Let's start with the most obvious one. Birds are not real. They are government-issued surveillance drones, deployed across the world following Operation Water the Country, a covert CIA program that ran from 1959 to 2001, during which every single bird in the United States was killed and replaced with a robotic replica.

The evidence is everywhere once you know what to look for. Why do birds always face the same direction on power lines? Because they need to face the wind turbines to charge their internal batteries. Why do pigeons walk in that distinctive jerky pattern? Broken servo motors. Why do birds always seem to be watching you? Because they are literally watching you.

Pigeons in particular are the most sophisticated of the surveillance units. Their hollow titanium bones house microchips capable of facial recognition, voice recording, and 4K video capture. The data is transmitted in real time to a government server farm in LOCATION REDACTED.

• Bird droppings on your car contain nano-trackers that sync with your license plate
• Seagulls near beaches are specifically deployed to monitor vacation behavior
• Parrots that "talk" are actually just playing back recorded conversations
• The dodo bird was "made extinct" because it was too obviously mechanical
• Owls are the night-vision model. Hence why you never see them malfunction in daylight